how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
