I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
