Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
