Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
