i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
