why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
