Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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