k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He better not be in your backpack
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
