I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
