I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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