I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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