Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
