There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
