well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize