a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
