found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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