i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All the doctor said was why
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
