Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish there were birth control emojis
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
