Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
