I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
why do cheetos always look like penises
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
