apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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