Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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