I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Semen is not good for contacts.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
