Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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