My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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