I didn't shave. On purpose
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
