I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
