I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
