So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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