whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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