So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
