Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
