i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize