mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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