remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
