If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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