I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
