allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
