I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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