Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
