my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i will never coherently bang her
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
