If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
