I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
