Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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