We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
