my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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