Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I fill condoms, not promises.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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