just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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