Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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