you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
