If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
