He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
