this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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