my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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